Pregnancy and newborns are still hard. Even just thinking about them gives me that sick feeling. Even now, when my loss is not so fresh and it isn't front and center in my mind all the time, so many things are still connected to it. I guess it's still really close to the surface, even though other things can hold my attention and interest now.
Today just singing in the car with the kids started me down that path. We couldn't remember the words to a song my mom always used to sing to them while changing their diapers, and then I vividly remembered the changing table with them on it. And, of course, I started hurting that Abigail was never on that table and that she should still be needing it instead of it being long gone.
The other day at lunch some coworkers were talking about theirs and their wives' pregnancies. And I just get that sick feeling in my stomach. If ever there is a reason to bring up Abigail, it is a time like that. But it still doesn't feel right.
Part of me wants to interject things that indicate they are complaining about things that are trivial, or that they are too casual about it - that they are lucky things didn't go wrong. Part of me just wants them to stop talking about it altogether. I think part of the feeling is anger, not at them, but anger that they can talk so casually about pregnancy and I can't, that it always elicits such an emotional and physical reaction in me.
I guess the hardest times for me now tend to be when I see or hear others who are just enjoying the mundaneness of pregnancy or babies. They may "complain", but not really, they are really enjoying the excitement of it all. And others are sharing that joy with them. And seeing that just hurts so much! I wanted that, too, and every time I see it, it just reminds me of what I have lost.
I never imagined it would feel this way, and I certainly never imagined it would still feel this way two years later. So I am sure that others don't realize it is like this. When pregnancy or birth is mentioned, the first thing I think of is Abigail and that she died. To me it is like there is a sign on my head.
But it obviously isn't that way for others around me. In fact, for many, they not only don't think about it at all, but even if I mention that it is difficult they often act annoyed that I haven't gotten over it yet - how dare I put a damper on their joy?! (Boy, I'll tell you how to put a damper on your joy....)
I don't wish this on anyone! I don't want to hamper their joy. I just want some of that joy for my baby, and I can't have it. And I just wish that others would understand that and would recognize my feelings and remember my daughter for a few minutes during these times. I think that in itself might help take away that sick feeling.
It is so lonely to feel this way. But I need to remember I am not alone. There are many, many others who feel this way, and we will get through this together, if only in spirit.