The Path to Healing: My Grief Journal

I am continuing this journal in blog format so from this point forward the NEWEST entries will be at the TOP.

Use the links at left for the older entries:
Month 21 = May 2004,
Month 22 = June 2004, etc.

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Saturday, June 18, 2005

You don't have a sister. I actually said that. I sure have come a long way.

The other day Sarah was talking about not having parents, and I asked who would take care of her and Nathan if she didn't have parents. She replied, "sister". And I said, "You don't have a sister." Unspoken was the rest of the sentence, "who can take care of you." And when I said it, I realized that, but I didn't feel guilty or have to "finish" the sentence in my head. I just observed that I said it, what I meant by it, and that I have really come a long way.

Today we are finishing up our move to our new house. Most things are here now; today we have to go pick up the last "junk" and clean (yuck). And a lot of friends came over last night to help. I was telling them that a big reason we are moving here, that I am staying home with the kids, and that our life is changing so much for the better right now is because of Abigail. Her brief life and her death changed my outlook on things, made my priorities much clearer, and has changed the whole fabric of our family. What a legacy!

I don't consciously think of her every day now, and I don't feel sad so often anymore. But she is in every moment of my life, because of the changes we have made because of her life. One other interesting change I have noticed is that I am not overprotective of my other kids but in many ways am being less protective than I was before. I think it's because I realize that life really isn't in my hands anyway, it's in God's, and so I need to trust Him. I need to enjoy each moment I have with the ones I love and not worry about when those moments will end. God has taken care of my family up to this point, and He will continue to do so. What a freeing thought that is! And I don't fear losing them as I used to, because if I do, I know I will survive.

One of the families that came over last night has a little red-headed girl about 6 weeks younger than Abigail. I don't see her that often, and it was particularly joyful to pull out baby dolls from Sarah's boxes for her to play with. She so enjoyed it and surprised me with how advanced she is right now. So of course I imagined what Abigail would be like if she had been healthy. And when I got my big hug from her, it made me smile, not feel sad.

However, birth is still weird for me. Another family at church just had their third child, a little girl. Thankfully that stabbing pain in the chest and sick feeling aren't there anymore. But I find that I am still uncomfortable with the pregnancy / newborn thing and that I just wanted to avoid the baby when she first brought her to church. I don't feel any of that urge to oooh and aaah over the baby or talk about her. I'm just not interested right now. Maybe I'm afraid of the emotion that might be dredged up so I am just trying not to deal with it. But it is certainly better than the reaction I used to have.

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