We had a gathering last weekend at our house with a lot of distant relatives I had never met. And I have some pictures of Abigail up with our other children, and my mother-in-law was telling them about her. And I was glad she did, because I just didn't feel like it. I remember A. saying quite a while ago that she didn't want to deal with others' emotions about Marie. And maybe that's it. I don't want to be sad about her right now.
But I talked at length about the Trisomy 18 Foundation and our work and what T18 is. It's as if I don't want to talk about the sadness of losing her but I do want to talk about what is good and exciting in my life now, partly because of her. I'm not leaving her out, I'm just leaving behind the sadness and enjoying the goodness from her life.
I don't feel the need to "relive" her life most of the time, and I don't feel the need to mention her most of the time, either. But I still feel strange around newborns and pregnancies, but now it's just strange, not that intensely painful feeling.
I know there will be days when I will want and need to get out her things, and watch her video and remember the days when she was here. But right now, today, I just want to be thankful for the life I have right now. And I thank God for using Abigail's life and death to help me make the changes in my life that needed to be made.